Is Your Marriage Insane? 
Just a porno movie, or a little hand-holding quietude?

ADI DA SAMRAJ: You are all obsessed with sex. It is all pornographic. Pornography is desire without love. It is the specimen of movement without opening. And you are all involved in this eroticism. You are obsessed with no-love. 
The significance of it is not the obsession with desire and sexuality itself, but the obsession with no-love that promotes such an involvement. As long as love is not the principle of your presence in the world, you are completely limited to the force of desiring, not only of sexual desiring, but of all desiring. 
All your life is desiring, without love. It excludes love. It is based on no-love. It depends on no-love. And therefore everything you are doing reinforces no-love. But where there is love, then the pattern of desiring in the world becomes benign and intelligent, no longer a matter of suffering. Then at least there is the possibility of the conscious process, the sacrificial process, of Divine Realization
As long as you are simply obsessed with desire and therefore with no-love, there is no realization, there is no sadhana. And there is great pain in a life obsessed with desire and its fulfillment without love. 
Where there is love there is no obsession. All obsessions fall where there is love. And there is no hominess in love. There is great fullness, and all sexual play is fulfilled in the moment without mind. 

If you are “making love” and also thinking or imagining at the same time, 
there is no love. 
Where there is felt love with your lover, 
there is no pornography. 
And this is the only form in which sexuality has any value. 
Sexuality without love is terrible. 

None of you should engage in sexual intimacy without love-desire. Do not respond to the exclusive motive in yourself that depends upon the suppression of one or the other of these two. Become sensitive to it and develop your intimate relationships to the point where they are realized in this way. 
And only then engage your intimacy with one another, not at any other time. Never! That is the discipline of marriage. Marriage is not the excuse to exploit your tendencies in a way that society forgives or accepts. The private ritual is not the thing served by marriage, certainly not in this Ashram!

When people love and desire one another, 
they cease to be promiscuous. 
People are obsessively involved with trying to control their promiscuity. 
They get married, but still they want to make it with other people. 

They play around, and they do not actually do it a lot of the time, but they feel it, they want it, and they dramatize it just short of sex. There is no real way to control promiscuity. Promiscuity is naturally undermined where there is love and desire. And where two people truly love and desire one another, they do not have to make a cult with one another. 
They do not have to wonder obsessively if their partner wants other people and is fooling around. That concern has nothing whatever to do with their relationship. It is completely absent, and yet without willful discipline. The only discipline is that fullness. Satsang is the discipline, not all the things by which you are motivated to control yourself. In terms of spiritual life this is true
Just so, in terms of your intimate life, it is the force of love-desire that economizes the life process and frees it from its conventional obsessions. If that force is not there, then your marriage is insane. It is just a porno movie or an intimate, little hand-holding quietude. 
Where there is love-desire, there is great energy between people, and such couples intensify one another constantly. They are moved always to love one another and to express their love for one another. They do not feel self-conscious about it!

Such unions are very rare. 
Most people marry for erotic reasons. 
Some people, who are not particularly oriented to sex, 
marry for so-called love reasons, 
on the basis of the aesthetic emotion of loving, 
without force. 

But people who love and desire one another are involved in the most intimate and forceful kind of play. In such people the sexual process may be a matter of instruction at some point, so that it realizes its higher purpose and not the conventional one of release
So you must transform your marriages. If you are not married, you must transform your sexual possibility and be free of eroticism, impotence, and frigidity. 

That is the way it seems to me!

Avatar Adi Da Samraj

Excerpts from the discourse “The Complications of Sadhana”

February 15, 1976
©2010 ASA

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